


Saccharine Nightmare

by ebbj9891



Series: In Quest Of Something [26]
Category: Queer as Folk (US)
Genre: Established Relationship, Family Fluff, Fluff, M/M, POV Brian Kinney, Parent-Child Relationship, Parenthood, Post-Series
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-04-07
Updated: 2014-07-28
Packaged: 2018-01-18 12:59:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 8,047
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1429480
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ebbj9891/pseuds/ebbj9891
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Justin and Linds conspire to take a very eager Gus and the not-so-eager Brian and Mel to Disneyland for a family holiday. Meanwhile, Brian contemplates his family's future and Justin's place in it. Set two years post-series.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter One

"You Shanghaied me into this holiday."

There is no other way to put it. Justin, who I once foolishly considered my most trusted person, has betrayed me and conned me into a holiday at fucking Disneyland.  _Let's go on a holiday,_  he said.  _Let's take Gus. Let's make it really extraordinary for him._  That was all well and good. I was more than happy to go on an extraordinary holiday with my extraordinary son. But stupidly, I left all the planning up to Justin and Lindsay, who apparently decided Disneyland was an appropriate destination for our family. Everything was booked and paid for before I could object. Two of my most trusted people, and they turn out to be traitors. Ugh. So now I'm stuck in this technicolour torture chamber with nowhere to run.

Kill. Me. Now.

"I did not Shanghai you into this!" Justin exclaims, laughing incredulously. I arch an eyebrow at him. He ducks his head a little. "This was at least... 20% your idea."

"Which 20% is that, exactly?" I recline against the hotel bed's plush headboard and pin him with a look. "The ache in my legs from walking all day, every day? The shitty food shaped like farm animals?"

He rolls his eyes at me. "Mickey Mouse isn't a farm animal."

"That reminds me - after this is over, I never want to hear that name again. Say it in my presence and we're through."

"Yeah right," he smirks. I glare at him. "Is there anything else you'd like to whine about,  _darling?_ "

I contemplate for a moment. "Let's see,  _pumpkin_... the sunburn from standing -  _perishing -_ in the endless lines?"

Justin picks up a bottle of sunscreen from the dresser and waves it pointedly at me. "Linds told you to put it on."

"You know you begin every sentence like that? Everything out of your mouth: 'Linds said this', 'Linds said that', 'Linds and I are becoming lesbian life partners together'." I curl my lip at him. "If I'd known Disneyland was going to turn you into such a dyke, I would have made you stay home."

He shakes his head at me, but there's a smile tugging at his lips. He tries to hide it by rifling through our luggage. My very fucking expensive luggage, which doesn't deserve to be festering in some Disneyland hotel.

"What about Gus?" 

"What about him? I'm going to have to disown him after today. He has damaged my reputation irreparably."

Justin sighs. "He wanted the mouse hat, I bought him the mouse hat!"

"No son of mine should ever be wearing a fucking  _mouse hat_ ," I spit, grimacing for extra emphasis. Justin throws a pair of balled up socks at me. "Do these have mice on them? If so, we're incinerating them."

He ignores me and announces, quite smugly, "Your son is having the time of his life. Every kid  _dreams_ of this. Can't you focus on that?"

"Can that be the part I take credit for?" 

"If it will wipe that ridiculous pout off your face, sure." Justin zips up the suitcases and returns them to the closet. I pat the bed invitingly. 

"There are other things that would wipe the pout off my face."

He glances towards the bedroom door. I scowl at him. "Sorry, we should wait for your sapphic soul mate to join us, shouldn't we? Or maybe you two want a suite all to your precious selves?"

"Shut up," Justin laughs and dives onto the mattress. I roll on top of him and steal a kiss.

"You'd better not be turning into a dyke," I say, biting down on his jawline. 

"I swear I'm not."

"Prove it." 

His eyes gleam dangerously, and all of a sudden he's wrestled me onto my back with my arms pinned above my head and his hands working their way into my jeans.

Then there's a knock at the door. Justin cringes and climbs off me, shushing my cursing as he goes to open the door.

"Knock knock," says Justin's beloved lesbian life partner. Linds pokes her head in and smiles apologetically. "A certain someone has something he'd like to ask you both."

Justin swings the door open a little wider, revealing Gus, who's clinging to Linds' leg. She nudges him softly. He blinks sleepily up at Justin. Talking around a yawn, he requests, "Jus, will you read to me?"

"Gus," Linds warns.

"Will you  _please_ read to me?" He says, pouting a bit. Justin steals a glance at me and mouths,  _like father, like son._ I resist the urge to flip him off. Gus' manners are already questionable enough without me giving him any more ideas.

Gus holds up one of the billion books he bought on one of our billion shopping trips. Justin takes it in one hand and holds the other out to Gus, who grins and grabs hold eagerly. Linds mouths an apology at me. I shrug, and she gently pulls the door shut.

Justin settles on his side of the bed as Gus crawls towards me. I scoop him close to me and tug on his red pajama top. "More Mickey?"

Justin shoots me a warning glance, but Gus hasn't picked up on my disparaging tone. He just grins at me and snuggles in close. "I love Mickey."

I'm starting to think there was a mix-up at the clinic where Gus was conceived. Sure, he looks just like me and acts just like me, but no child of mine would be so enamored of Mickey fucking Mouse. I seek comfort over this travesty by hugging Gus tighter. Meanwhile, Justin turns the book right-way up and touches the glossy cover. "Alice in Wonderland, huh?"

"Sally played it at her birthday party. I like the Cheshire Cat," Gus yawns, "And the bread-and-butterflies."

Justin smiles at him, and there's a softness to it that I haven't seen before. It warms me. Justin clears his throat. "Okay, Gussy - Alice in Wonderland.  _One summer day, a young girl named Alice found herself trapped with a history lesson. While her sister read of ancient kings, Alice crowned her cat Dinah. The day was simply too splendid for lessons, Alice thought."_

With his gaze flitting between Justin and the pages, Gus wriggles deeper into my arms. He looks about ready to drop off to sleep at any given moment, but he's listening with a firm scowl of determination on his little face. Six years old, and he still seems impossibly tiny and delicate. I prop my chin on top of his little head and follow his gaze wherever it lands; the glossy pages boasting rabbits and playing cards, or Justin, who has taken to adopting a different voice for every character. Gus is enthralled, clapping his hands every time Justin voices the White Rabbit in a ridiculous squeak, and  _cackling_  when Justin booms and bellows as the Queen of Hearts. Where he got this talent for story-telling, I have no idea. Justin is trying not to laugh and is also avoiding looking at me entirely, but every time Gus goes into fits he reaches over and tickles Gus' side or tussles his hair. This makes Gus shriek and squirm in my arms, his tiny feet kicking at my legs. At every clap and giggle and squirm, Justin lights up, and it's a good thing he's refusing to acknowledge me because I'll never live down the way I'm looking at him right now. Linds and Mel had better keep to their quarters; if they walked in right now and saw this I'd be ruined. Brian Kinney making doe-eyes at his partner? Snuggling with his kid? At fucking  _Disneyland?_  No.  _Fuck_  no. If they saw me like this, I'd have to kill them. It would be the only way.

By the book's halfway point, Gus is dozing off. Justin carefully closes the book and slides it onto the nightstand. I can't move with Gus in my arms, so Justin gathers the bedding and tucks us in. As he leans over us, his gaze finally meets mine; he looks uncertain, even a little embarrassed. Then he looks away. After turning the light out, he goes to gingerly press a kiss to Gus' brow. Then Justin rearranges the blankets so Gus is safely ensconced underneath them. He has this way of tending to Gus that makes my heart fill to the point of bursting - it's so gentle and so loving, and I feel almost dizzy with gratitude every time I catch a glimpse of it. It's exactly what I've always wanted for my son, and then some. Justin smiles at me and mouths  _good night_ , then returns to his side of the bed.

I manage to worm one of my hands free without disturbing Gus. I stretch it over to grab Justin's wrist. He smiles a little, and I mouth,  _thank you._  His brow furrows, as if to say,  _for what?_

Where do I even begin?

It takes a moment for me to clear my mind, which is currently reeling haphazardly through all the things I have to grateful for, courtesy of Justin. It would take far too long to thank him for all of that tonight, so I divide and conquer. I nod at Gus, meaning:  _thank you for loving him; thank you for doing this for him; thank you for plotting this saccharine nightmare of a holiday with Linds._

He smiles at me, whilst I silently continue thanking him:  _thank you for putting up with me, for this week and every other one too; thank you for riding that inane tea cup ride over and over just because Gus asked you to; thank you for being the kind of father I haven't quite figured out how to be._

Justin looks between me and Gus and grins, very sleepily. I tug his wrist and he sidles closer, turns on his side so he's facing us, and curls an arm around me and my ( _our_ ) kid. His fingers are just wrapped around my bicep, brushing back and forth gently. I close my eyes and let his light touch, paired with tiny Gus burrowed against me, lull me off to sleep.


	2. Chapter Two

When I wake up the following morning, it's to an empty bed and a god-awful unnatural screeching noise coming from the suite's living room. There's no sleeping through it. I drag myself out of bed and follow the positively satanic noise into the lounge. I find Mel crouched over a couple of boxes, wielding a tape dispenser. The box she hasn't attacked with the tape yet is stuffed and overflowing with Disney paraphernalia. I rub my hands together and say imploringly, "Please tell me we're taking that shit to the incinerator."

"I fucking wish," she shakes her head, taping up the second box. "The suitcases are officially full, so I'm shipping it back to Toronto. Unless... is there room at your place?"

I grin at her. "Not even a little bit."

She makes a face at me and starts addressing the boxes.

I glance around the otherwise empty suite. "Where are the happy couple?"

"They took Gus to breakfast. I couldn't stand the thought of another meal in the shape of a mouse, so I called for room service." Mel gestures to the coffee table, laden with pastries, fruit, and coffee. "Help yourself. Be warned: the coffee's Irish."

"Thank fuck." I take a sip and rejoice at the sharp blend of caffeine and whiskey. "I'm guessing this wasn't on the hotel menu."

She lifts up her handbag and pulls out a flask. I toast her with my coffee cup. We've found a surprising sense of solidarity ever since we arrived in this magical fucking kingdom, with Gus running at full pelt all day, every day, and Justin and Linds having mutated into some bizarre lesbionic hybrid, and one with extremely pronounced Type A tendencies at that. I shudder every time the schedule is mentioned by either one of them; it's always spoken of with an eerie sense of reverence, and it  _must_  be adhered to. It's not just tedious - it's fucking insanely creepy.

Mel sits down across from me and heaps a plate with pastries and fruit. "Thanks for taking Gus last night. He gets so nervous in new places; he was really glad to stay with you and Justin. I know it's not exactly-"

"Don't mention it," I say, cutting her short. Mel frowns at me, but I just shrug at her look of surprise. I could complain about not having had a moment alone with Justin for days now, but then I remember having Gus snuggled up against me, giggling and nudging me excitedly every time Justin, our family's resident story-teller extraordinaire, put on another voice. "We had a nice night."

The door opens suddenly and Gus comes barreling into the suite, calling out hello to Mel and I hastily as he beelines to his bedroom. Seconds later there's the sound of bedsprings squeaking. Linds is hot on his heels, looking exasperated as she hears him bouncing about.

"Gus, stop jumping on that bed!" She calls. The squeaking stop, and we hear his feet thud against the floor. Linds exhales, and comes and kisses my forehead. "Hey you. Someone was telling me how snuggly his daddy can be."

I pull a face, but don't bother outright denying it. There were two witnesses, after all, both of which Linds will believe over me. She smiles and squeezes my shoulder. "Thank you."

"Where's my boyfriend?" I say, with more than a fraction of accusing in my tone.

"Right here," Justin closes the door to the suite, then comes and wraps his arms around my shoulders from behind. He kisses my neck. "What's up?"

I smile at him. "I'm enjoying a lovely breakfast of food that  _isn't_  shaped like a rodent. It's a refreshing change of pace."

Justin narrows his eyes at me, looking as though he's plotting something evil, and evil it is - he grabs me in a headlock and ruffles my hair into oblivion. I'd cuss him out, but then I'd only be in more trouble for corrupting Gus. I settle for glowering at him and messing up his hair worse than he's just messed up mine.

"Justin and I have an announcement to make," Linds says, standing and nodding at Justin. He releases me, gives my hair one last tussle, and goes to stand by her side.

"I didn't see any announcement on the schedule," Mel says, hiding her smirk behind her cup of coffee. "However will we cope?"

We glance at each other and snicker. Linds and Justin don't look so amused. Justin clears his throat. "Do you want to hear what we have to say or not?"

I stretch out on the couch and prop my feet up on the armrest. "If you were going to announce you two are eloping, we already know about that."

"Yeah. Mazel tov," snarks Mel.

The perfect couple share a meaningful glance. Justin shakes his head pitifully. Linds throws her hands up. "They're not interested."

"I guess they don't want the day off."

Mel bolts upright. "What was that?"

"We were going to offer you the day off," Linds shrugs. "But you two seem like you'd rather spend another day on Splash Mountain, so-"

"No, no, no, no," Mel waves her hand. "The other thing sounds better. The day off. We'll take that. Right, Bri?"

She shoots me a glare, as if to say,  _don't you dare fuck this up._ I sniff and recline further on the couch. 

"On two conditions!" Linds stares us down and says very firmly, "No more complaining."

"Gus hasn't picked up on it yet," Justin adds, because apparently they're speaking in tandem now, "But he will. He's not stupid, and there's only so much bitching you two can do before he notices."

"And," Linds jumps in, "When we come home tonight, you two will have figured out where we're all eating and what we're doing."

I smile innocently at them and ask sweetly, "Would you like us to pencil it in  _ever so_ neatly on the schedule?"

"That won't work; they laminated it," Mel says out of the corner of her mouth. I sip at my coffee to keep from laughing. Mel does the same, but her shaking shoulders are telltale. Luckily for her, Justin looks like he's about to join in, and Linds is clearly biting the inside of her cheek to keep from laughing. Mel raises her hand in concession. "Okay, okay. No more bitching, and we'll find a nice place for dinner. Thank you."

Gus runs into the room with his backpack on. "Are we going, are we going, are we going? Justin, give me a piggy back ride!"

"Gus,  _manners,"_  Mel admonishes, eyeing me accusingly.

Gus repeats the question with a 'please' reluctantly added in, paired with a commendable scowl. Justin kneels down and lets Gus climb onto his back. "Gussy, come say bye."

He brings Gus over to Mel and myself, and Gus plants big kisses on our cheeks. Mel tells him to wear sunscreen and I tell him to make sure Mommy and Justin behave themselves. Justin smacks the back of my head playfully; I grab his forearm and yank him towards me for a kiss goodbye.

Once they're gone, Mel sinks into her armchair and groans. "Thank  _god._  I mean, I love them all to bits, but the magic kingdom was getting a bit too magical for me."

"I still have glitter in my hair from that princess Gus just  _had_ to meet," I grumble. "It's not nearly as fun getting showered with that shit if there aren't half-naked men dancing nearby."

"I'm actually going to have to agree with you there," She pours us each another cup of coffee and tops them up with more whiskey. We clink cups. "Here's to a Disney-free day."

*

As it turns out, our sense of solidarity only stretches so far. Justin and Linds may treasure their every waking moment together, but no fucking way are Mel and I going to play happy pseudo-couple like that. And  _no_  amount of screaming children or sacred schedules could change that. We finish off breakfast together and agree on dinner plans, but that's about our limit. Mel demands the keys to the rental, and heads off to drive down the coast. I head to the gym and then the spa, where there are absolutely no screaming children or trigger-happy, glitter-toting princesses. How Justin and Linds manage it, I have no idea. Maybe they're on something. Maybe I can talk Justin into sharing some with me.

Just after 6, Linds and Justin arrive back, each holding one of Gus' hands. He lets them go and comes flying at me, babbling about rollercoasters and meeting Minnie Mouse. I hug him close to me and cuddle him fiercely. Gus laughs and asks, "Did you miss me?"

"Of course," I kiss his forehead and smooth his hair down, thinking how much more he looks like me every day. "Tomorrow we're sticking together, right, Sonny Boy?"

"Yup," Gus beams at me. "Will you take me swimming?"

"Absolutely."

Satisfied, Gus darts off into his room. Linds has disappeared into her own room too. I jump onto the couch next to Justin, who's leaning over his laptop and fiddling with the camera. 

"How was your day?"

He turns to me with a smile, his eyes tired. "It was great. I have pictures to show you. I'll just have to download them."

He winces a little as he leans in towards the laptop. I brush my hand down his back. "You don't have to carry him all day. He has perfectly good little legs, you know."

"I didn't carry him  _all_ day, and besides, he likes it. I like it. The park's so busy and Gus has a tendency to use his perfectly good little legs to run." Justin scrubs tiredly at his face. "He's a fuck of a lot faster than me. I don't want to lose him in the crowd."

Crowds still aren't his favourite thing. There was a stretch where he seemed okay with them again, but since our ghastly night in the woods that's changed. It's as though his old scars have ruptured open again, leaving him vulnerable. He's been dutifully attending therapy sessions and it seems to be helping, but the progress is slow at best. I've tried standing tall by him through it all but it's fucking terrifying; sometimes he arrives home and sags against the door, looking like he's emerged from battle. Or sometimes it's smaller things, like when we're out and he suddenly grips my hand tighter, or his lips draw thin. Or his shoulders tense up, just like they're doing now. Justin drops his head and sighs, sparing me the slightest of glances. "I'm okay," he says, clearly having sensed my concern. "Just... keep doing that?"

I nod and keep right on with it, stroking my hand up and down his back in long, smooth motions.

"I'm back on Disney duty tomorrow," I murmur, rubbing the small of his back. "You, me, Gus, and whatever you two want to do."

Then decisively, so Justin knows not to argue with me, I say, "I'll carry Sonny Boy."

Justin smiles and eases in to my touch. I sweep my hand up between his shoulder blades and knead his neck. He pulls his laptop onto his knee and flicks through the photos, telling me all about their day together. I prop my chin on his shoulder and listen, and watch him brighten with every passing photo and the story that goes with it, and feel him relaxing slowly but surely under my touch.


	3. Chapter Three

On our second-last day, Linds wakes us early and manages to herd almost all of us into the car to go to the beach. Mel beats me to the driver's seat and refuses to budge, so I climb into the back with Justin. He puts his head on my shoulder and starts to doze off again. I whisper in his ear, "Dozing isn't on the schedule."

"Fuck off," he whispers back, pressing his face against my neck. "It's too early for the schedule."

Outside, Linds is struggling to get Gus in the car. He's thrown himself on the ground as is sitting there resolutely, shaking his head again and again. Their quiet discussion comes to an abrupt halt when Gus yells, "No! It's for babies!"

Mel groans. "Not the fucking booster seat debate. Every time!"

Justin rouses and climbs out of the car. Linds retreats and joins us in the car. We watch as he approaches Gus and starts talking to him. Within mere moments, Gus is bounding towards the car. He hops in and belts himself in, then lets me check it's done properly without so much as a syllable of protest. Justin gets in and pats Gus on the head.

"I see we've had a change of heart," Linds says, tickling Gus' feet. "Good boy, Gussy. You know it's safer that way. Besides, it's only until you're eight."

"Or maybe longer," Gus muses, "Justin had to use one until he was almost nine."

Justin flushes bright red,  _right_  to the tips of his ears. I bite back a chuckle - of Gus' many talents, discerning what information should be kept secret isn't one of them. Casting a defensive look my way, Justin asserts, "I was short, okay?"

Mel smiles back at him. "That's adorable."

"That  _is_ adorable, Sunshine," I drawl, grinning at him as his blush deepens. Justin narrows his eyes at me and mouths  _bite me_. I mouth back  _gladly_ , which brings a smile back to his face.

"I'm shortest in my class," Gus says, showcasing his infamous pout again. 

"It's nothing," Justin flashes another look my way, "To be ashamed of, Gus."

"Absolutely not," agrees Mel.

Gus cranes his neck and looks at me expectantly. I reach over Justin and ruffle the kid's hair. "You're perfect."

Gus smiles and nods heartily. "Wanna play I Spy?"

*

The day passes quickly, what with no lines, no screaming ankle-biters, or sweltering, sticky crowds. The beach is nearly empty, leaving Gus and Justin plenty of room to build a kingdom of castles. Mel continues taking a fuckload of photos, growling at me every time I object to having a camera stuck in my face. Linds quickly rescues me and we spend the afternoon walking up and down the beach.

As she stops to let the tide drag over her feet, Linds asks, "Do you remember what we were like at twenty-four?"

"I have some vague memory of that time, yes." I grimace. "It sure as fuck didn't include being photographed hand-in-hand with Daisy Duck."

Linds snorts. "We're putting that one on the fridge."

"Don't you fucking dare!"

"It's Gus' favourite!"

" _Justin_ is Gus' favourite. I'll send him to Toronto and you can stick him on the fridge."

"I don't know how he does it," Linds grabs my hand and we sit down. "I couldn't have at his age."

"Fuck, no. I can barely handle it at  _my_ age."

"You ought to give yourself more credit. You're doing a lot better than you seem to think." She starts tracing spirals in the sand, growing them until they form a labyrinth. "I would  _kill_ for a smoke right now."

"Smoking wasn't on the schedule," I tease, and she smacks my arm. "Thank fuck the beach was, though."

"Justin suggested it. He planned most of this, you know. Apparently he and Molly went with Jen and-" she pauses, frowning. "What's his father's name again?"

"Homophobic shitbag?"

"That's it," Linds laughs. "They visited when Justin and Molly were little. He said he wanted to share it with Gus, the way his parents did with him."

I glance back up the beach. Mel and Gus are heading into the water, and Justin's walking up the pier on his own. "I'm going for a swim."

"Brian," Linds calls, just as I've reached the water. I turn back. "We still need to talk to Gus about it, but you should know... Mel and I stand by what we said, more so than ever. We want Justin to be included in the family. If he wants it, he's a part of it just the same as you, me, and Mel. Will you tell him that?" 

"Sure." I want it, but whether he does is another issue entirely. Maybe he wants more kids. Maybe he wants a family of his own. I'm not going to say that to Linds, though, not when I don't know and especially not when it would crush her. "I'll tell him."

She smiles at me and goes back to tracing. I dive in and swim over to the pier. As soon as Justin spots me, he lights up.

"Lindsey tells me you're the one I have to thank for this beach trip."

"I thought you could use a break," Justin admits. He's perched on top of the pier, his toes skimming the water's surface. I grab them and make like I'm about to pull him in. He kicks me away. "Don't you dare, Brian Kinney. I'll haul you right back to Disneyland."

I grab the ladder and pull myself up out of the water to join him. The sun is dying down, but it's nice and warm on our backs. Since Gus isn't nearby, I grab Justin and kiss him senseless. When he pulls back breathlessly, he reaches up and starts combing my hair back with his fingers. I try and meet his eye but he's avoiding my gaze again, and it's not like when he was embarrassed about his storytelling skills. But before I can even try to pry it out of him, he spills: "I owe you an apology."

"For what?"

Justin cringes, eyes downcast. He touches my damp knee and brushes at the droplets of water with his thumb, making swirling patterns. "I know this isn't your kind of holiday. I  _knew._ When Linds and I were planning it, I knew you wouldn't like it. I just wanted it so much for Gus, and I kind of hoped you'd get here and change your mind. That was stupid. I'm sorry."

I press my lips to the top of his head; his soft hair tastes faintly of salt. He curls into me, nice and close.

"There's a lot of things you should be apologising for: the shitty food, the screaming children, the disgusting crowds, the incessant cheer-"

"The corporatisation and commodification of childhood?" He finishes with a smile, quirking a brow. I kiss him.

" _Exactly._ I knew I'd get through to you eventually." I take his hand and knot my fingers through his. "You might owe me an apology for all of that, but  _don't_ apologise for trying to make my kid happy. You... Sunshine, you hit it out of the goddamned park."

I nod towards Gus, still splashing in the surf with Mel. Justin raises his hand to shield his eyes from the sun and watches them, grinning. I squeeze his hand. "You're really fucking fantastic with him."

"You think?"

"Yes." I run my thumb in circles over the inside of his wrist. "And I think you should know it's okay if you've changed your mind."

"About what?"

"About having kids. If that's what you want, don't let me hold you back. You'd make a great father."

"Thanks... but no thanks." Justin's smile grows a bit. "Honestly, and just between you and me? I was thinking a lot about that this week, and I am  _so_  fucking certain I made the right choice. Like, beyond certain. 500% sure. I love Gus, but no way in hell could I do this full time. I don't know how Mel and Linds manage him  _and_ J.R. Thank fuck she stayed with Michael and Ben this week!"

So Sunshine hasn't gone all Super-Dad on me after all. I'm so relieved I burst out laughing. Justin leans against me and whispers, "Kids are scary. They're so full of energy! It's exhausting."

"Well, to be fair, Sunshine," I poke his side, "They do get that way when certain people let them eat candy all day."

He cringes. "He's so hard to say no to. I know it's shitty to spoil him-"

"Fuck it. He's a good kid, spoil him all you like. Just don't forget how much you love spoiling me." I kiss him again. "You're ever so slightly out of practice. I'll have to put you through intensive retraining when we get home."

"When we get back to New York," Justin says, eyes gleaming, "I am going to do nothing but fuck and paint and sleep for a  _month._ "

"I wasn't aware you ever did anything else?"

He shoves himself into my side. "Shut up."

"You can get started on the thousand blow jobs you owe me."

"Since when do I owe you a thousand blow jobs?"

"Since we haven't fucked all week."

Justin groans. "Don't remind me."

"How about I do this instead?" I place my hand flat on his back and pause just long enough to catch the look of horror on his face, then I shove him into the water. Justin  _shrieks,_ and just as I'm making a mental note to mock him for it later, along with the booster seat thing, he grabs my legs and tugs me off the pier. As soon as I hit the water, Justin tackles me and wrestles me up against the ladder. "You absolute shit! It's fucking freezing in here."

I spin us around, pressing his back to the rungs. "Kiss and make up?"

He grins eagerly, loops his arms around my neck, and lets me reel him in for a kiss. Then he frowns and queries, "You can do better than that, can't you?"

"That sounds an awful lot like a challenge."

" _That_  sounds an awful lot like stalling. Are you not up to the task?" 

I grab a fistful of his hair in my hand and tug his head back, baring his throat. Justin laughs, low and coarse, as I suck on his neck. I'm about to venture further when we hear the pitter-patter of tiny feet coming up the pier. Justin curses softly. I kiss him quickly. "Lucky the water's so cold."

"Yeah," he grins and shoves me back into it, just as Gus pops his head over the edge of the pier. 

"We're going to get ice cream," he announces. "Come on!"

"Gus,  _manners_ ," chides Mel. 

"Please will you come on?" Gus repeats wearily.

Justin climbs the ladder first, kicking at me when I grope him. Gus latches on to him as soon as he's out of the water. They head off, leaving me with Mel. She shakes her head at me. "Could you two be any more obvious?"

"Gus didn't notice anything," I grab the towel she's handing me. 

"Gus isn't yet aware of how disgusting Daddy and Justin can be," she retorts, smirking. 

"Like you two are so goddamn pure? Don't think I don't know how much you've been  _enjoying_ Gus sleeping in our room."

Linds joins us as we reach the sand. Mel wraps an arm around her. "They were fucking."

"Of course they were."

I don't bother correcting them. Gus is running towards me, kicking up sand and splashing through the tide. I reach my arms out and catch him as he launches himself into my arms, then carry him over my shoulder to the car. Halfway there, as Gus is dangling from my shoulder and giggling up a storm, Linds grabs my arm and whispers in my ear, "See? You're his favourite too."


	4. Chapter Four

"And  _this_  is Justin and me on the Jungle Cruise," Gus announces, proudly stabbing his finger against the next page of his scrapbook. "See?"

"Mmm-hmm," I nuzzle the top of his head and hug him closer. He's been bundled up in my arms all night, eagerly showing off his drawings to me and Linds. He's been working on them obsessively almost every morning and evening, filling up every page with pictures of our holiday. There isn't a single page that doesn't include Justin, who in Gus' renderings is mostly just a big smile with a shock of blonde hair. I reckon Gus has probably exhausted every yellow marker, pencil, and crayon within a fifty-mile radius. 

"And this is Justin and me and you in the Haunted Mansion." He grabs my arm and shakes it urgently. "Remember, remember the really scary ghost?"

I remember Gus shrieking and jumping about ten feet in the air on at least three separate occasions. "Which was the  _really_  scary one?"

"This one, daddy!" Gus sticks his fingers in his mouth, pulling it into a funny shape whilst making his eyes bug out. I laugh and turn him around so Linds can get a photo. As soon as the flash goes off, Gus burst out laughing. "He was spooky."

Tickling him until he's shaking with laughter, I tease, "You're spooky, Sonny Boy."

It's well past Gus' bedtime, but nobody has made a move to get him ready for bed yet. Mel and Justin are busy packing, and Linds looks utterly exhausted from another long day of rides. I'm certainly not going to be the one to send him off to bed; it's our last night together. I don't even know when I'm going to see him next. I doubt even the jaws of life could separate me from him right now.

He turns the page very carefully. "This is Justin and mommy at the cafe, and me with my milkshake. And this is you and Justin at the beach."

"They're beautiful pictures, baby," Linds comments, reaching over to ruffle his hair. 

"Thank you," Gus says cheerfully. "They're for daddy to take home."

"Really?" 

"Yup," Gus smiles up at me. "For when you miss me."

He snuggles in close and whispers, very seriously all of a sudden, "You miss me when I'm away, right?"

I hug him with all my might and whisper back, "So much it hurts."

"Me too." He cranes his neck and kisses my cheek. "But now you have this."

"Now I have this." 

It won't be the same as having him in my arms right now, but it's something. Gus passes the scrapbook to me carefully, like it's made of glass. Once it's placed securely in my hands, he jumps out of my lap. "Mommy, isn't it my bedtime?"

Linds does a double take. "Excuse me?"

Gus points at the clock. "It's  _really_ late. And we have to fly tomorrow."

"That's... absolutely right," she agrees, dumbfounded, giving me a look that says,  _is this really happening?_ I try not to laugh. Linds stands up and gathers Gus in her arms. "Okay, bedtime it is."

"Let me give daddy a kiss," he pleads. She lowers him down so he can peck me on the cheek. "Night, daddy."

"Night, kiddo."

As soon as Gus has tucked his head over Linds' shoulder, she gives me a look of total astonishment and mouths,  _it's a miracle._ Then she carries him off to bed, quickly, so that he doesn't change his mind.

Desperately needing a smoke, I escape downstairs. Gus is right; it's incredibly late, so the pool is abandoned and perfectly peaceful. I sit down at the edge and dunk my feet in the water, then light up.

I'm onto my second cigarette, the last of my supply, when Mel taps me on the shoulder. "Mind if I join you?"

I shift over to make room for her. She sits down next to me and gestures to my cigarette. "Any more where that came from?"

"This is it." I hand it to her and she takes a quick drag. "I think I've come up with the perfect cocktail of coping mechanisms for a holiday like this: tobacco, booze, tobacco, booze - rinse and repeat."

Mel exhales, nodding in emphatic agreement. "I couldn't agree more."

I steal the cigarette back and take another long, indulgent drag. "We'll have to stock up next time."

She reels around and stares at me. "Did you just say 'next time'?"

"Gus said he wanted to come back. Plus, all things being fair, JR should get a chance to come along when she's older." I offer her what little is left of the cigarette. "And all things considered, it wasn't that bad, was it?"

She smiles. "No, it wasn't. All things considered, it was actually pretty great."

"Next time I'll stock up on cigarettes and you bring extra booze. Deal?"

Mel offers her hand to me and we shake on it. "Deal."

"Is Gus asleep yet?"

"No, he insisted on no less than three stories before bedtime. Justin's up there reading to him now. To his credit, he did manage to talk Gus down from wanting six stories." She shakes her head and laughs. "It has taken me  _years_ to get into the groove of storytime.  _Years._ And this fucking little twenty-four year old has come along and put me to shame. How does he do it?"

I shrug. "Beats me."

"Well, he's amazing." She pauses, kicking her feet through the water and watching the ripple spread across the pool. "You couldn't be more right. He'd make a great dad for Gus."

"He certainly fills in a lot of blanks."

Mel hums thoughtfully. "On the one hand, I know what you mean. Linds checks a lot of boxes as a mother that I never could. On the other hand... I don't want you thinking that you're in any way lacking as a father. I think you're wonderful. Gus... I don't even know where to begin. That kid loves you more than I can put words to."

I smile at her. She returns it, but only for a matter of seconds before she dissolves into laughter. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, I was just thinking about how strange this is. When we first decided to become parents and Linds said she wanted you to be the father, I... fuck, I didn't sleep properly for a month. I was so sure we were going to have the next Damien on our hands."

I smile brightly at her. "Thank you."

She snorts, shaking her head. "Only  _you_  would take that as a compliment. Anyway, it would appear our son is entirely non-demonic. He's growing up to be a pretty fantastic person, and I think that has a lot to do with you. If I got to go back and make the decision all over again, I'd choose you every time."

For some reason, this helps a lot more than Justin and Linds' repeated assurances that I'm a good father. Their affirmations are comforting and encouraging, but Mel's vote of confidence feels like solid ground. I lean in closer to her and admit, "I want to be there for him more. I think it's safe to say Justin feels the same way. If it's okay with you two-"

"It's more than okay," she cuts in, resolutely. "Gus is amazing, but raising him gets scarier and scarier every day. He's this tiny little human who gets more and more complex every day. He's so... god, I love him, but he's so fucking difficult sometimes."

She nudges me. "He gets that from you."

"He gets that from  _you,"_ I correct, nudging her back.

"Let's not get into a whole nature versus nurture thing. Whether it's you or me or both of us... he's a handful. But with four sets of hands, I think we'll have be well prepared for whatever lies ahead." She smiles at me. "When we get back to Toronto, Linds and I will sit down with him and talk all of this out."

"What are you going to say?"

"I guess we'll talk about what Justin means to you and how he fits in with our family." She kicks her foot and splashes my legs lightly. "What do you want us to tell him?"

I splash her right back. "Whatever you want, you two are in charge."

"But how would you have us describe your relationship with Justin?" With a wicked grin, she adds, "You'd better come up with something quick, or I'll tell Gus the two of you are 'soul mates who were destined to be together'."

"Don't you fucking  _dare,"_ I warn, giving her my most menacing look. It doesn't do shit; Mel seems wholly untroubled. She just raises her eyebrows at me, awaiting my response to her question. Somewhat reluctantly, I say, "He's the person I intend to spend my life with."

"So... life partner?"

I gag. " _Ugh_."

Incredulously, Mel demands, "Explain how 'person I intend to spend my life with' isn't exactly the same as 'life partner'."

"The latter makes me want to retch?"

"I think Gus would benefit from some sort of simple word or phrase to describe the two of you."

"Tell him," I pause, trying to find the right words - words that fit for both Justin and I, and Gus as well. He's only little, after all, and Mel's right; he deserves something clear and concrete. "Tell him Justin's my partner, and he's my person, and we love each other. Tell him that."

Mel is silent for a good, long while. She watches me curiously, then finally breaks her silence to say softly, "I've never heard you say that before."

"Say what?"

"That you love him."

Fuck. It's not something I'd normally let anyone but Justin hear. I think the only other two people who have ever heard me say that to him are Gus and Daphne. Well, this is embarrassing. But there's no denying it, is there?

"Of course I fucking love him," I snap, defensively. "I almost married him, didn't I?"

"I just didn't know you were verbalising it," Mel retorts. "You were always so... against that."

"Well, now I'm not," I say, shortly, trying to make it seem insignificant when it's anything but. In truth, I've grown addicted to saying it. While we were apart, those three words helped to bridge the gap between us, so it was how we finished every phone call and email. Even now that we're together in New York, I can't stop saying it. It feels right. No, it feels fucking  _amazing,_ like weight lifting from within me, like warmth pouring through me. I do it for me, and I do it for Justin, because every time I say it he lights up, and it clearly means so very much to him to hear it spoken aloud.

But that's extremely fucking personal, and despite her relentless staring, I'm sure as shit not going to pour my heart out like  _that_ to Mel. We've done more than enough sharing for one evening. So I avoid her gaze and attempt to ignore her presence entirely, and glide my feet idly through the cool water. After staring at me for an irritating amount of time, she sighs and drops her gaze. Then she touches my arm gently. Her fingers curl around my forearm, squeezing lightly. She leans in and kisses my cheek. "He's your partner, he's your person, and you love each other. Got it."

She releases my arm and climbs to her feet. "I'm going to head upstairs. You coming?"

"Soon."

Mel pats my shoulder. "Night, Bri."

"Night."

*

When I do finally head back upstairs, the suite is quiet. I look in on Gus quickly and find him curled in a ball in the middle of his bed, his snores muffled by the White Rabbit he's clutching to him. I don't know what tomorrow's going to be like for him - whether he'll be running for the gate, eager to get home to Toronto, or whether he'll be a crying mess - but I know it's going to be hell for me. I can't stand the thought of being without him. This holiday may have been the stuff of nightmares in many ways, but I'd honestly do it all over again, starting tomorrow even, if it meant more time with Gus. I don't know how I'm going to cope with just phone calls and emails. So I stay standing in his doorway for a while, soaking up the sight of him, right in front of me where he ought to be. I could watch him all night, sleeping peacefully like this, but my own bed is waiting and I bet Justin is, too. I close Gus' bedroom door carefully and retreat to our room.

As I enter and shut our bedroom door behind me, Justin emerges from the bathroom. He's surrounded by steam, with a towel slung low around his hips, and his skin is slippery and flushed faint pink from the shower. I reach behind me and lock the door.

We don't say a word. Justin drops the towel and closes the distance between us, and lets me embrace him. He's all warm; I slide my hands down his back and pull him close, drinking in the sensation of his flesh heating mine. He kisses the hollow of my throat; I slip my hands into his hair and run my fingers through the soft, damp strands. As I reach the ends, Justin looks up at me with a bright, excited gaze. I cup his face in my hands, and he tilts his head slightly to kiss the heel of my palm. I touch my lips to his forehead, his cheek, the corner of his mouth. Then his mouth is clashing against mine, roughly, hungrily. His hands scrabble at the buttons on my shirt, popping them open hurriedly. I lose myself in kissing him, letting his busy, greedy hands do all the work. As soon as he's undressed me, I back him up against the bed and spread him out on the mattress underneath me. 

"I need you," I whisper, meaning it in more ways than one, kissing his neck as he locks his legs around me.

Justin's hands are all over me, mapping my body in feverish caresses. As I steal another kiss, his lips are soft, sweet, and with my chest pressed to his, I can feel his heartbeat accelerate. Justin moans into my mouth, then whispers back lovingly, "I'm all yours."

**The End**


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